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Even Bob and Emily Hartley, on '70s TV's 'The Bob Newhart Show,' found some conversations difficult.
Lately, when I've been talking with
readers about their marriages and long-term relationships, I hear the
same question over and over. "How do I say I'm not satisfied with our
sex life?"
Some say they are unhappy because they have little or no sex in their
marriage. Others wish they could find the nerve to tell a partner about
sexual fantasies or what they really want to do in bed. Most worry
their spouse doesn't notice there is a problem and that they feel
unfulfilled.
Live Chat Recap
Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein and two
therapists chatted with WSJ readers about how to talk about sex,
especially when things have gone wrong.
You'd think it would be easier. Sex talk is
omnipresent in our culture. We can read sex tips in popular magazines
and listen to TV talk-show hosts joke about the latest political sex
scandal.
But it's rare to see examples of someone discussing sex with the
person he or she actually has sex with. "Talking about sex as a
personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different
kind of talk," says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and
sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how
to prevent them. "You have to be open to talking about what you value
and your vulnerability," he says. No one teaches us how to do that.
How much sex is "normal" in a long-term relationship? Almost 80% of
married
couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported
having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few
times per month, according to "The Social Organization of Sexuality:
Sexual Practices in the United States," a 1994 University of Chicago
study considered the most comprehensive in the field.
Married couples have more sex than either dating couples or
co-habitating couples, other research has shown. When sex therapists
talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer
than 10 times a year, Dr. McCarthy says.
Sex is important but not necessarily at the core of what binds
couples together. It energizes the relationship, making each person feel
desired and desirable, and serves as a buffer against trials and
difficulties, Dr. McCarthy says. When a couple avoids or is conflicted
about sex, the disconnection can play an inordinately negative role, he
says. Often, if you can repair the sexual bond, the relationship
improves as well.
Let's Break It Down
It helps to understand that sex is more than
physical. Gina Ogden, a marriage and family therapist and sexologist in
Cambridge, Mass., has couples draw a circle and divide it into
quadrants.
For each area, she asks the
couple to 'say where you were when you met, and where you are now.'
Physical. 'Is your back hurting?' 'Are you comfortable having sex since you gave birth?'
Emotional. 'I'd like to know more about your feelings.'
Mental or cultural. 'Were you raised to believe sex was bad?'
Spiritual. 'What is the meaning of sex in your life?'
Love's initial romantic phase lasts anywhere
from 18 months to three years, experts say. During this time, our
hormones are out of control. We are intoxicated with our partner and
find it easier to talk about sex.
But in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is
more difficult. "Earlier in a relationship, by contrast, "we don't feel
like we're springing new or buried parts of ourselves on them," says Bat
Sheva Marcus, licensed master social worker and clinical director of
the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in Purchase, N.Y., and
Manhattan.
Sexual problems can crop up for emotional and/or physiological
reasons, whether it is stress from work and child-rearing, lack of time,
medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging. Many couples get stuck in a
rut where sex is all or nothing.
Pamela and Kai Madsen, of Riverdale, N.Y., have been married 30
years. They fell in love when she was a high school senior and he was a
midshipman at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. "Think 'Officer and a
Gentleman'—a man in a white dress uniform showing up at my graduation
with three dozen red roses," says Ms. Madsen, 50 and an author and
blogger about topics including female sexuality.
They had trouble having children. Ms. Madsen underwent fertility
treatments during which she gained weight and ended up feeling damaged
and unsexy. They worked hard—Ms. Madsen as the founder of an advocacy
organization for fertility issues, Mr. Madsen in information
technology—and eventually raised two sons. They considered their
marriage strong and warm.
About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and
unfulfilled. The couple rarely had sex—and when they did, it was
"efficient," Ms. Madsen says. Her husband, 54, says, "We knew exactly
what was going to happen every time we had sex."
Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have
sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked
it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he
explained that he was still working. "I acknowledged that we needed to
schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much
changed," he says.
Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and
encouraged her to do the same. "I wanted to feel sexually alive again,
too," she says. Instead, she decided to try sex
therapy, and several
therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books. She
discovered that sexual fantasies and role-playing about bondage turned
her on—and she has since written a book, published last year, about
exploring her sexuality within a monogamous marriage titled, "Shameless:
How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got
Home in Time to Cook Dinner."
It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to
talk to her husband about her realization. She blurted it out one night
in the kitchen over a pot of chili. "I love you but there is something I
need to tell you," she said.
Mr. Madsen says he was stunned and hurt. "My first reaction was,
'Why? What am I not giving her?' " His wife said her dissatisfaction
wasn't a reflection on him and invited him to accompany her to a therapy
session. They talked about her fantasies and his feelings about them.
They learned what turns her on doesn't do the same for him—and that is
OK. They feel sure the frank discussion of sex made their marriage
stronger, in and out of bed.
Some
couples are so estranged that not only don't they have sex, but
they also don't sleep in the same bed or even touch each other. Experts
say when intimacy has eroded this much, the
couple may need professional
help. Not all marital therapists have experience with sexual issues,
though. Two groups that can help are the American Association of
Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the Society for Sex
Therapy and Research.
To jump-start their sex life, couples need to start by sleeping in
the same bed, experts say—no kids, no pets. Spontaneity is great, but
80% of married couples schedule time to have sex, says Dr.
McCarthy—preferably when not dead tired.
Try showing more physical affection. "A lot of couples don't have any
touch if they aren't going to have intercourse," says Dr. McCarthy.
"But touch has value in and of itself and can be a bridge for desire."
And if there's something particular that feels too embarrassing to
talk about, get a how-to book. Put sticky notes on pertinent pages. Add a
message: "This embarrasses me to talk about, so I thought I'd show
you." With a smiley face.
Breaking the Ice
Having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse? Here are some ways to make it easier.
Be gentle.Need an opening line? 'I love you, and I'd like to feel more connected to you.'
Never discuss sex right after having
sex (unless you have only good things to say). Sex therapists say the
best place to discuss sex is out of the bedroom—in the kitchen while
making dinner, on a walk, taking a drive.
Realize that the discussion
may take more than one conversation. You don't have to knock it out all in one sitting.
Don't ascribe blame.Don't
psychoanalyze. Just describe what you feel is the problem. 'You seem
much less interested in sex than you used to be.' Ask if your partner
has noticed this as well.
Tell your partner
five to 15 things you really like about him or her. Never say, 'If you loved me, you would…'
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at
Bonds@wsj.com or follow her column at
www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.
A version of this article appeared May 29,
2012, on page D1 in the U.S. edition of The Wall Street Journal, with
the headline: What Couples Want to Know But Are Too Shy to Ask.
