Couples Therapy Can Help You Realize the Greatest Advantage to A Mutual Relationship

source: Relationship Blog // Bruce Derman // May 16, 2013 // no comments

A common cause of unequal relationships – one that I see often in my couples therapy practice — is a belief by one or both partners that they are superior to the other. These couples often subscribe to simplistic gender stereotypes of the “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” variety, or the idea that opposites attract as a way to explain how such a caring, and loving person (themselves) ended up with such a selfish, distant, and unloving person (their partner). The fact is they end up with such a person because of the kind of person they really are, not the sort of person they try to seem to be.
By buying into the “Difference Game”, which I write about in my book “We’d Have a Great Relationship If It Weren’t for You”, these people are turning their relationships into a competition as a way of artificially boosting their ego and self-esteem. Instead of trying to “win” their relationship in couples therapy, they should be using their valuable couples therapy time to build a more intimate, equal, and mutual relationship.
A mutual relationship is one where both partners consider themselves as equals, and consider the needs of the relationship in addition to their own personal needs and those of their partner. Mutual relationships are characterized by a couple that forms real agreements, where both partners discuss issues respectfully, understand each other’s point of view, and eventually come to an agreement on an emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual level. There also characterized by couples who think of themselves collectively, as one relationship comprised of two individuals rather than as two individuals who happen to be in a relationship.
One of the benefits of starting to build a mutual relationship as you attend couples therapy, is that your partner will start to change from adversary to teammate as the game changes from trying to be the best individual in their relationship, to trying to build the best relationship. As you begin working together, in couples therapy and in your daily life, rather than against each other, you can start to leave off all of your emotional armor. Emotional armor, much like physical armor, is heavy, cumbersome, and shouldn’t be necessary in your own home.
Another benefit of developing a mutual relationship is that it provides an almost certain end to the love-hate relationship dance so common in the couples I see in couples therapy. Mutual couples are emotionally proactive, rather than reactive, which means instead of reacting to their partner with fear, anger, or other negativity, they proactively look for ways to promote positive emotions in the other. This much healthier way to interact is often responsible for turning what was previously a battlefield into a paradise.
The greatest advantage, however, to a mutual relationship is that it gives a couple the tools they need to know, and accept each other honestly. Nothing is more rewarding than the honest acceptance of your true self by the person you love.

 Marriage Therapy: Going the Distance

Written by: Lane Gormley, EdS, LPC, NCC

Marriage Therapy is never easy because it doesn’t happen until something has gone wrong in what presumably is, or at least was, the most important relationship in our life. Some instances of marriage therapy that I facilitated were brief and relatively painless. There was one couple who came for only five sessions of Imago Therapy. During a third-session discussion of childhood caregivers, each of them saw suddenly and clearly the misunderstandings that they held with respect to their partner’s behaviors. Their mutual relief was almost palpable: “Oh… Is that why he does that!!!!!” They left therapy after two more sessions with the understanding that, should further issues arise, we are always available to help them. I have not seen them since; but I did get a Hanukkah card saying that all goes well.
Other marital issues are less easily resolved. In cases where there are serious complications, there may be no easy or clear-cut solutions. We can go through the “method” (whichever one we are using) until the cows come home; but anger is not gone until it is gone, and trust is not regained until it is regained. Period.
Here is the story of the longest marriage therapy in the history of my career. It went on for almost a year; and there were midwinter days when the atmosphere in my office felt as cold as the weather outside and when the three of us did not think the therapy or the marriage would survive until spring.
Mark and Moira H. (* not their real names) were close friends as well as lovers at the time that they married. Eleven years and two little boys later, their relationship and their family was in danger. Moira was working hard to overcome an addiction to narcotics. Mark found himself unable to trust the wife who had disappointed him again and again. For two years, he had tried desperately to control his wife’s addiction to drugs. They moved to Atlanta from Birmingham to be far from the dealers and friends who enabled her. He tried everything, and then he gave up. He said repeatedly in session, “I tried and tried, and now I’m done.”.
Moira, in becoming sober, faced challenges of her own, including Mark’s suspected interest in another woman. Although shaken, she showed as much determination to regain her husband’s trust as to remain sober. She said to me, “Put us on your calendar every week for the next year. We are coming here until this works.”
Sessions were painful, requiring brutal emotional honesty about the most intense and wrenching feelings of helplessness and vulnerability that people can face. Moira refused to give up no matter what. Mark was honest enough to express his anger and sense of betrayal again and again. He would not pretend to forgive. One evening, Mark grew angry because he felt pressured to “get over it”. He said, “I am not saying another word this session”, and he did not. He sat stony-faced while Moira cried at remaining unforgiven. I tried to explain addiction to him, that it was an illness and not a moral flaw; but he did not, would not, pretend to understand something that was incomprehensible to him. The weeks became months. A gray February seemed to last several years. And then…
Something happened. Moira was crying in her bedroom, feeling unwell, and Mark hugged her. In my office alone the next week, she was tearful with relief. Then one day there was laughter. There was a vacation with other couples that turned out well when Mark made his allegiance to his wife clear to their friends. And then, strengthened, they re-became the couple they once had been.
In one of our last sessions, Mark hit upon an essential truth: when anger is correctly processed, it dies a natural death. Otherwise, it simply goes underground to become latent and toxic hostility. After months of working on his own anger, he told me, “The other day, while we were in session, I just thought, ‘This is silly. Let’s move on’”. Mark’s patient work in therapy had outlasted his anger.
What did it take for Mark and Moira to heal their marriage? I believe that it took courage, patience, hard work, unflinching emotional honesty, and love. So much love. For me, their therapist, it was a long and hard lesson in process. But it was worth it. Relationship is always worth it. Marriage is always worth it. If you have relationship or marital issues and wonder if it is worth the trouble to resolve them, I can’t tell you what to do. But if you are like me, if you think it is worth it, why not give it your all? Why not go the distance?

Source: http://www.rhcounselingservices.com/2012/07/11/marriage-therapy-distance/

Some Couples Seeking Financial Therapy To Cure Money Woes

BOSTON (CBS) – Money is often the biggest source of conflict within any marriage. Some couples are now getting help so they can call a truce when it comes to their financial objectives.
Paige Buck and her husband are happily married, but it seemed that any talk of money was filled with friction.
“We weren’t happy with the way we talked about money,” she added.
The Buck’s decided to take a new approach and went to see a financial therapist instead of a psychologist. This is a growing trend in which money and feelings are discussed openly with a professional.

“Financial therapy is the place where money and couple personalities connect, when there’s a difference between what we know and what we do,” said Saundra Davis of the Financial Therapy Association.
A financial therapist will identify and treat emotional blocks which can stress a marriage.
Therapist Olivia Mellon says common problems include “overspending, money avoidance, money worry, excessive hoarding and saving, inability to communicate about money.”
Paige felt the focus on communication was important. She realized she and her husband felt guilt over how they spent.
There are no certifications to become a financial therapist. It’s important to do your homework before you sign up with anyone.
Davis added, “The term financial therapist is not a clearly defined term. It is an emerging field, so what we have is a collaboration of financial planners, therapists, coaches, and other professionals who work together.”
Paige believes this type of therapy made her marriage stronger. “We’re saving for short term and long term goals that we never faced and even had the courage to look at before.”

Source: http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/06/05/some-couples-seeking-financial-therapy-to-cure-money-woes/

Helping ease the marriage money woes

Financial stress can lead to relationship stress

Updated: Tuesday, 29 May 2012, 3:27 PM CDT
Published : Tuesday, 29 May 2012, 3:27 PM CDT

• Norris Deajon

AUSTIN (KXAN) - A Wimberley couple, Jim Overschelde and Tambra Nelson, had been happily married for 22 years, when they decided to see a therapist.
It was not a typical therapist, however. Discussions about spending often thrust the couple into an argument, and they were ready for that to change.
“Getting angry, not feeling heard. I want to put money in savings. Yes, but we have to pay off our debt…back and forth, back and forth,” said Nelson.
It’s a common problem for couples as money woes are often a major cause of marital stress and divorce, experts say. And, they add, that’s especially true in a down economy.
They say that’s why an increasing number of couples are seeking help from financial therapists, also known as money coaches. Overschelde and Nelson signed on with Austin money coach and certified public accountant Jennifer Jaime.
Jaime, whose office is in Austin, started with helping the couple compromise on some common financial priorities and goals. She also taught them how to track their spending carefully so every dollar is accounted for.
“It helps for me to come in and give that objective approach to say this is what I see from the outside looking in,” she said.
Jaime also helped them establish a language and boundaries that took the conflict out of discussions about money.
There are no certifications necessary for someone to claim to be a money coach because the field is still emerging. The Financial Therapy Association advises couples to choose a money coach they trust and who has a certification in a finance-related field.
Overschelde and Nelson did trust Jaime, and they say her advice paid off for them.
“We’ve made some substantial inroads into paying off our debt, putting money aside in savings,” Overschelde said,
Added Nelson: “Having a language that works helps, instead of pointing fingers at each other. It really does.”
The Financial Therapy Association says money coaches can charge from $50 to $350 an hour. Many times, experts say, they are willing to work within a couple’s budget.

source : http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/local/austin/helping-ease-the-marriage-money-woes

What Couples Want to Know But Are Too Shy to Ask

• By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

CBS/Getty Images

Even Bob and Emily Hartley, on '70s TV's 'The Bob Newhart Show,' found some conversations difficult.

Lately, when I've been talking with readers about their marriages and long-term relationships, I hear the same question over and over. "How do I say I'm not satisfied with our sex life?"
Some say they are unhappy because they have little or no sex in their marriage. Others wish they could find the nerve to tell a partner about sexual fantasies or what they really want to do in bed. Most worry their spouse doesn't notice there is a problem and that they feel unfulfilled.

Live Chat Recap

Bonds columnist Elizabeth Bernstein and two therapists chatted with WSJ readers about how to talk about sex, especially when things have gone wrong. Read the full transcript.

Journal Community

You'd think it would be easier. Sex talk is omnipresent in our culture. We can read sex tips in popular magazines and listen to TV talk-show hosts joke about the latest political sex scandal.
But it's rare to see examples of someone discussing sex with the person he or she actually has sex with. "Talking about sex as a personal, intimate experience with your partner is a totally different kind of talk," says Barry McCarthy, a Washington, D.C., psychologist and sex therapist who has written books about nonsexual marriages and how to prevent them. "You have to be open to talking about what you value and your vulnerability," he says. No one teaches us how to do that.
How much sex is "normal" in a long-term relationship? Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few times per month, according to "The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States," a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field.
Married couples have more sex than either dating couples or co-habitating couples, other research has shown. When sex therapists talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer than 10 times a year, Dr. McCarthy says.
Sex is important but not necessarily at the core of what binds couples together. It energizes the relationship, making each person feel desired and desirable, and serves as a buffer against trials and difficulties, Dr. McCarthy says. When a couple avoids or is conflicted about sex, the disconnection can play an inordinately negative role, he says. Often, if you can repair the sexual bond, the relationship improves as well.

Let's Break It Down

It helps to understand that sex is more than physical. Gina Ogden, a marriage and family therapist and sexologist in Cambridge, Mass., has couples draw a circle and divide it into quadrants.
For each area, she asks the couple to 'say where you were when you met, and where you are now.'
Physical. 'Is your back hurting?' 'Are you comfortable having sex since you gave birth?'
Emotional. 'I'd like to know more about your feelings.'
Mental or cultural. 'Were you raised to believe sex was bad?'
Spiritual. 'What is the meaning of sex in your life?'

Love's initial romantic phase lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years, experts say. During this time, our hormones are out of control. We are intoxicated with our partner and find it easier to talk about sex.
But in a long-term committed relationship, talking about intimacy is more difficult. "Earlier in a relationship, by contrast, "we don't feel like we're springing new or buried parts of ourselves on them," says Bat Sheva Marcus, licensed master social worker and clinical director of the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in Purchase, N.Y., and Manhattan.
Sexual problems can crop up for emotional and/or physiological reasons, whether it is stress from work and child-rearing, lack of time, medical issues, past sexual trauma or aging. Many couples get stuck in a rut where sex is all or nothing.
Pamela and Kai Madsen, of Riverdale, N.Y., have been married 30 years. They fell in love when she was a high school senior and he was a midshipman at the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. "Think 'Officer and a Gentleman'—a man in a white dress uniform showing up at my graduation with three dozen red roses," says Ms. Madsen, 50 and an author and blogger about topics including female sexuality.
They had trouble having children. Ms. Madsen underwent fertility treatments during which she gained weight and ended up feeling damaged and unsexy. They worked hard—Ms. Madsen as the founder of an advocacy organization for fertility issues, Mr. Madsen in information technology—and eventually raised two sons. They considered their marriage strong and warm.
About 10 years ago, Ms. Madsen started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. The couple rarely had sex—and when they did, it was "efficient," Ms. Madsen says. Her husband, 54, says, "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."
Ms. Madsen went to bed around 8:30, woke up at 5 and liked to have sex at night. Mr. Madsen went to bed at midnight, woke up at 7 and liked it in the morning. When his wife asked him to come to bed earlier, he explained that he was still working. "I acknowledged that we needed to schedule time to have sex more often, but realistically, not much changed," he says.
Some of Ms. Madsen's friends were having extramarital affairs and encouraged her to do the same. "I wanted to feel sexually alive again, too," she says. Instead, she decided to try sex therapy, and several therapists helped her explore her desires. She read erotic books. She discovered that sexual fantasies and role-playing about bondage turned her on—and she has since written a book, published last year, about exploring her sexuality within a monogamous marriage titled, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner."
It took six months, though, for Ms. Madsen to get up the nerve to talk to her husband about her realization. She blurted it out one night in the kitchen over a pot of chili. "I love you but there is something I need to tell you," she said.
Mr. Madsen says he was stunned and hurt. "My first reaction was, 'Why? What am I not giving her?' " His wife said her dissatisfaction wasn't a reflection on him and invited him to accompany her to a therapy session. They talked about her fantasies and his feelings about them. They learned what turns her on doesn't do the same for him—and that is OK. They feel sure the frank discussion of sex made their marriage stronger, in and out of bed.
Some couples are so estranged that not only don't they have sex, but they also don't sleep in the same bed or even touch each other. Experts say when intimacy has eroded this much, the couple may need professional help. Not all marital therapists have experience with sexual issues, though. Two groups that can help are the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.
To jump-start their sex life, couples need to start by sleeping in the same bed, experts say—no kids, no pets. Spontaneity is great, but 80% of married couples schedule time to have sex, says Dr. McCarthy—preferably when not dead tired.
Try showing more physical affection. "A lot of couples don't have any touch if they aren't going to have intercourse," says Dr. McCarthy. "But touch has value in and of itself and can be a bridge for desire."
And if there's something particular that feels too embarrassing to talk about, get a how-to book. Put sticky notes on pertinent pages. Add a message: "This embarrasses me to talk about, so I thought I'd show you." With a smiley face.

Breaking the Ice

Having trouble discussing problems in your sex life with your spouse? Here are some ways to make it easier.
Be gentle.Need an opening line? 'I love you, and I'd like to feel more connected to you.'
Never discuss sex right after having sex (unless you have only good things to say). Sex therapists say the best place to discuss sex is out of the bedroom—in the kitchen while making dinner, on a walk, taking a drive.
Realize that the discussion may take more than one conversation. You don't have to knock it out all in one sitting.
Don't ascribe blame.Don't psychoanalyze. Just describe what you feel is the problem. 'You seem much less interested in sex than you used to be.' Ask if your partner has noticed this as well.
Tell your partner five to 15 things you really like about him or her. Never say, 'If you loved me, you would…'
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com or follow her column at www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.

A version of this article appeared May 29, 2012, on page D1 in the U.S. edition of The Wall Street Journal, with the headline: What Couples Want to Know But Are Too Shy to Ask.

Source: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304840904577426600963764604.html?fbresult=add#printMode

Couples Therapy Program at the Training Institute for Mental Health This program caught our attention as a very innovative and useful training. We'd like to announce it on our blog and we hope that soon we will have similar initiatives here in France. For more information, please visit : Couples Therapy Program at the Training Institute for Mental Health 18 Friday May 2012 Posted by mindnyc in Uncategorized

Couples Therapy Program at the Training Institute for Mental Health

This program caught our attention as a very innovative and useful training. We'd like to announce it on our blog and we hope that soon we will have similar initiatives here in France.

For more information, please visit : Couples Therapy Program at the Training Institute for Mental Health

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by mindnyc in Uncategorized

Couples Therapy Program at the Training Institute for Mental Health
115 West 27th St 4th floor
New York, NY 10001- 6217
Albert J. Brok, Phd, Director
Madaleine Berley, LSCW : Assistant Director
212 627 – 8181, 212 580 -3086

Drajbrok

The Couples Therapy program offers one and two year certificates in Couples Treatment to mental health professionals who are interested in improving their clinical skills. Fellowships covering courses and workshops are available.
Training consists of a sequence of seminars focused on clinical work with couples using our understanding of interpersonal and inter-subjective interactions along with recognition of individual psychodynamic diagnostic issues. The relevance of cognitive techniques is also stressed.
Basic courses include: Issues in Couples Therapy, Group Supervision of Couples Therapy, Short and Long Term Couples Therapy, Readings in Theory and Practice of Couples Therapy as well as specific focus courses on Relational Concepts, Integrating Psychoanalytic and Systems Approaches in Couple and Family Therapy and a Special Video/film Seminar on intervention processes in Couple Therapy.
Also available are various Elective short seminars
in the following areas:
Object Relations theory in treating Couples,Sexual Abuse Histories and Couple Dynamics,
Self Psychology and Relational approaches to Couple work.
Readings and Tutorial in Couple Therapy.
Film Discussion Programs sponsored by the Advanced Study Group on the Clinical Relevance of Relationship Styles are given throughout the year.
Required for Two year Certificate :
Basic course work, Supervision of Couples work through our clinic or in one’s Private practice, Individual supervision, Personal Group therapy and the completion, by the end of the second year, of a ten page paper on any aspect of couple therapy.
Advanced Training beyond the two year certificate is also available in becoming a supervisor of Couple therapy
Courses can be taken on an individual per seminar basis.
Fellowships for the twoyear program cover all course work and workshops. Individual Supervision and personal group therapy are paid
Separately. The Fellowship program requires each candidate to give 3 hours to see couples through our clinic.
Tuition on a private basis, is approximately $1,800 per year.
For further information/ application contact
Dr. Albert Brok at 212 580 3086 or email DrAjbrok.

Improving couples’ attachment security, intimacy, stability and satisfaction

June 2012 | Knowledge Shar

Barry G. Ginsberg

Working with couples and families requires a different stance from working with individuals. I like that I can experience the relationship dynamics directly by being in the same room with the couple. It’s so different seeing the dynamics in action as opposed to having one individual describe it to you from her or his view. With couples work, you can witness how quickly one person’s response is cued by the other. Before you know it — before the couple knows it, for that matter — they launch into defensiveness and negativity almost as if you weren’t there. When you try to mediate, it either makes it worse or they both become angry with you. It quickly escalates.
I have learned to cope with this by acknowledging from the beginning that the relationship (or as Harville Hendrix has called it, the “in-between”) is my client. I like to think of it as a circle, the reciprocal nature of all relationships — in this case, close and intimate relationships.
I often describe relationship to couples as a dance in which they have to coordinate their actions so they won’t kick each other in the shins. The more they practice with each other, the smoother it becomes, the less they hurt each other and the more satisfying it is. If the music changes — as it often does in life — they have to adjust their rhythm with each other to recover the smoothness (stability) and satisfaction. For as long as they dance with each other, this will be a lifetime pursuit. I know! My wife and I have been married 50 years, and we are still adjusting our dance.
I work with relationships because I believe that everything we experience occurs in relationship. Without relationship, there is no existence. It’s the stress of relationship that keeps us alive — just not too much stress.
There is no more significant relationship than the couple relationship. It is unique because it’s a peer relationship, not hierarchical like most other relationships. It is an intimate friendship that can become the basis for our security and fulfillment. But as Murray Bowen said, a two-person relationship is inherently unstable — too close or too distant, too intimate and vulnerable or too disengaged and threatening. We never get it right. We just learn to adjust it so it doesn’t become too emotionally extreme.
I believe the primary objective in couple therapy is to help couples improve the stability and satisfaction in their relationship and learn to stay flexible, not rigid. It’s important for couples to maintain a context of intimacy and engagement that allows them to experience a sense of trust and security in which they can be “safely vulnerable.” Couples can do this if they feel attached, which in turn depends on their ability to emotionally engage with each other. The quality of emotional engagement enables people to develop in healthy ways, to trust themselves and each other.
I believe that our personalities are shaped by our relationships, and particularly formed in our earliest attachment relationships. Out of this experience, we tend to trigger the same kind of responses from others that we learned beginning in childhood. These responses operate mostly beyond our awareness (implicit emotional memory). To understand any couple interaction, it’s important to consider that there are cues from each person that elicit a response from the other partner, which in turn elicits a reciprocal response from the original partner, ad infinitum. These are the habits that we see in all relationships.
What draws us together can also push us apart
In marital and couple relationships, I believe it is typical to form a bond with someone most like ourselves. However, what draws us to each other are opposite characteristics — the complementary aspects of our relationship — that are then difficult to live with the rest of our lives. These difficulties become the themes of our relationships, repeated over and over again as long as we are together. For example, one partner comes from a distant and noninvolved family of origin, while the other comes from a close family. It’s likely that this couple will continue to have differences concerning the involvement of extended family in their lives. This is an example of the reciprocal responses (habits) we see in all relationships.
So, the habitual way couples learn to relate to each other is derived from how each individual learned to relate to others from childhood. Partners in a couple pick each other because they fit complementary to each other, and the habits derived from this become the underlying forces driving the process of their relationship.
If couples have the skills to transform the emotions responsible for the negative patterns in their relationship to more positive ones, they will improve their recovery from the defensiveness and hurt derived from these negative cycles. If their recovery is improved, they will have “softened,” thus strengthening the intimacy and stability of their relationship. It is important for the relationship to be flexible enough to cope with these forces. At the same time, couples have to remain sufficiently emotionally engaged to maintain the trust and security of the relationship. If this becomes a consistent pattern over their life span, they will have achieved a stable and satisfying relationship.
The key in couple therapy is not to directly help couples solve problems but rather to have them skillfully remain emotionally engaged when under stress. In fact, it is likely that the difficulty couples face in resolving conflict has more to do with emotional disengagement than with an inability to solve problems.
Consider what John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson wrote in their article “How Stable Is Marital Interaction Over Time?” for the Family Process journal in 1999: “It’s not the problems a couple solves but how they deal with their emotions connected to the perpetual problems they never solve that leads to stability and satisfaction in their relationship.”
It’s important to help couples become resilient in the face of the many stresses, challenges, disruptions and developmental changes that threaten to disengage them. This involves helping them remain softened to each other and equipping them to recover when life’s experiences create disengagement. Being able to recover restores the emotional engagement (intimacy) of the relationship. Quicker and more frequent recovery reduces the likelihood of disengagement, defensiveness and hostility. This, in turn, leads to satisfaction and stability.
Emotion-focused relationship enhancement therapy
Relationship enhancement (RE) focuses on emotion as the transformative agent in therapy and relationships. How couples manage their emotions — a reciprocal process — is central to maintaining an intimate and satisfying relationship. The struggle around the emotions elicited by the couple’s differences becomes the vehicle that changes the relationship, improves its flexibility and keeps the couple safely engaged. Learning the skills to improve this process is the objective of emotion-focused RE therapy.
Relationship skills, particularly in close, interdependent and attached relationships such as couple relationships, are essentially emotional regulation skills. Underlying each couple interaction are deeply important and implicit (nonconscious) reciprocal emotional cues and reactions that emerge spontaneously. These constitute the “interpersonal habits” discussed earlier.
To get a grasp on these nonconscious, emotional habits that contribute to stress and conflict in couple relationships, it is useful to understand how couples communicate. Essentially, one person in the relationship, motivated by emotion, is trying to convey information and perceives that the other person understands the importance (meaning) of what is being expressed.
What most needs to be understood is the underlying feeling that motivates the expression. For example, if one partner says to the other, “You forgot to bring milk home,” both parties recognize the feeling (disappointment) as the reason (meaning) for the statement. The arousal, which is physiological, in the partner’s emotion (disappointment) is the cue for how the couple subsequently will engage. If the other partner feels criticized and becomes defensive (arousal), there will be a “fight.” However, if the other partner listens by recognizing and accepting the partner’s disappointment, the arousal and defensiveness are reduced, and they are in a better position to collaborate and restabilize their relationship. This is the “softening” so often acknowledged in couple therapy.
The primary skills in couple interaction have to do with expressing one’s self so that the other person recognizes the underlying feeling that motivates the expression and having the other person acknowledge it. So, speaking and listening constitute the first two skills of emotion-focused RE. Essentially, the speaker is learning to improve self/emotional regulation (owning expression), and the listener is learning to accept and acknowledge an understanding of the other person’s emotional motivation (empathic understanding).
In RE, the partners who make up a couple learn to understand themselves and each other by exploring the emotions that motivate their behavior. When people perceive that their relationship is safe enough, they are freer to reveal these underlying, primary feelings to themselves as well as to their partners, which softens the relationship. By revealing these deeply owned feelings to themselves, individual partners are better able to understand their experience and regulate their emotions, giving them a sense of greater mastery. And when these deeply owned feelings are accurately recognized without judgment and with acceptance by their respective partners, a context is created that fosters deeper sharing of feelings and understanding.
I have observed that when couples create such a context, the partners feel closer, more trusting and more open with each other. This does not secure the relationship, however, unless the couple also practices the third and probably most important RE skill, known as the relationship (emotional engagement) skill. This skill asks couples not only to take ownership of their feelings and respond empathically with acceptance and without judgment, but also to acknowledge the meaning of the relationship (“Your feelings affect my feelings”). This skill is taught when they switch roles (listener and speaker). The instruction to the new speaker is, “How does it make you feel to know that she [or he] feels that way — good or bad?” Together, these three skills constitute the basic training of RE.
Generalization and maintenance
In RE, each member of a couple practices expressing his or her feelings and owning these feelings; this then enables each person to accept the other. By reciprocally practicing the skill of acknowledging the feelings (internal experience and emotional motivation) of the other through empathic listening, a context of acceptance and nonjudgment is created. Ultimately, through supervised and then unsupervised practice, couples learn to create an ongoing relationship context of acceptance, nonjudgment and emotional engagement that operates in their day-to-day lives. Establishing this context is a critical outcome of RE therapy.
The success of any therapy lies in the ability of clients to take what they have learned and make it a part of their everyday lives. That is why the next two skills, generalization and maintenance, are essential for an optimal outcome. The development of clients’ generalization and maintenance skills begins with the very first session of RE.
Taken together, the five core RE skills allow couples to maintain a reciprocally stable relationship and become more emotionally engaged. However, couples will internalize these skills only after they have attained a certain level of proficiency and experienced enough satisfaction from incorporating the skills regularly. Thus, homework assignments of various kinds are systematically included in the program to encourage generalization into everyday life. Homework is described to couples as an acknowledgment of their responsibility for the therapy and, ultimately, their relationship. From the beginning, it establishes the value of home practice.
Supervision of this homework is designed to improve and reinforce generalization and maintenance of RE skills. If clients encounter difficulties applying the skills in everyday life, role-playing is used in the therapy session to improve the couple’s ability to use the skills in a variety of challenging situations.
Homework assignments are designed to review the principles and skills learned in the sessions, encourage clients to set aside specific times for additional skill practice and help participants use the skills in their daily lives. Thus, at the beginning of each session, valuable time is devoted to a report by the couple about their homework assignments and their use of RE skills outside of the therapy session. Often, couples must first be taught to set aside a consistent time in their busy lives to devote to their relationship and to practice. A simple homework exercise (often the first homework assigned) is to have the couple schedule a “playtime” each week at the same time. In this context, play should be defined as spontaneous and not outcome-based.
Probably the most critical method of generalization and maintenance is home practice of the first three emotion-focused RE skills. After a period of skill training that involves a tutorial process, couples are encouraged to schedule home practice sessions for an hour at the same time each week. The decision to move to home practice is a collaborative decision between the couple and the therapist. Couples are informed at the beginning of therapy that this will be part of the structure. Prior to starting this process, couples are given a home practice handout, which includes a time-out procedure, to review together. (For a copy of this handout, contact me at barry@relationshipenhancement.com.)
At this point, the therapy shifts from an emphasis on office sessions to home practice, with the weekly home practices being taped. Subsequent in-office sessions focus primarily on home practice and involve a coaching process. Emphasis during these sessions is placed on identifying underlying positives and improved skills. Once couples develop a confidence and consistency in home practice, the office sessions become less frequent. Couples understand that subsequent sessions will be devoted to reviewing the most recent home practice tape, and therapy shifts to a consultative process, with couples taking responsibility for their own therapy and relationship. Couples can then choose to come in for booster and/or refresher sessions if they haven’t seen the therapist for a period
of time.
Through the years, I have attended workshops and conferences, taken various training programs and fulfilled my continuing education requirements. I marvel at how often I keep returning to the RE model. It seems to me that it achieves the best outcomes for couples.

Source: http://ct.counseling.org/2012/06/improving-couples-attachment-security-intimacy-stability-and-satisfaction/

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